mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
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do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
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Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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