I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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