U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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