I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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