I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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