So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
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Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
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Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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