I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
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woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
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I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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