I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
