she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
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you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
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Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.