I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Randomize
