i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
you inspire me to be a worse person
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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