if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
