Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
