Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
should my penis look like a turkey
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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