I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
