I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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