My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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