The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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