theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
