I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
