Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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