the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
