afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
