Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
