I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Randomize
