There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
