My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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