i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
