I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
