I don't usually arrange sex via text message
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
