We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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