she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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