There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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