What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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