She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
