Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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