We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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