i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
