You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
