I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Randomize
