Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
