every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
