Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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