last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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