Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize