Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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