let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
