there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
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Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
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Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.