Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.