life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
