He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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