I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
