things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
