Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
