When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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