i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
